smooth

i'm sitting at my mom's house. i felt like writing. there are lots of new stories and strands in my head. something said that i need to write a little. maybe too many strands in the ole duder's head. maybe that is the problem: there are usually too few strands in my head.

++break for station identification++
ahhhhhh. the cool smooth contours of the keyboard are like an eagle spreading its wings. i've been without my computer for seven days and i felt awkward the entire week. i imagine this is what a nascar driver feels when he peels out of a pit stop. sure, he had tires before, but they were faded and dull. unresponsive to his wheel. so too was my week. computers were slow, impersonal and severely unresponsive. (granted the exception of WAR, which was exceptional). now that i have a new set of tires, my familiar A-game, the laces to my shoe, now i feel much better. just "sitting at my mom's house" to type would have been out of the question last week. the smooth keys are clean and illuminated in a room that looks like Velasco, but isn't*.
++end station identification++

too many strands indeed. i thought my current life plan would simplify things. ok, i didn't really think that. i've learned enough to know that nothing will simplify 'things' to a degree where i say: "damn. things are simple. this is that and that is this and love is good and this girl thinks that and this money is here and this desire is, not only reachable, but on this shelf and to the left**." who would think that? not me. ha. what a newb you are if you think that's what i was thinking.

i had a great night. a good drive, a good talk with an old friend. mostly about her, but it felt good to listen. i made sure i was a good listener. when someone doesn't want to hear my shit, i need to be a good listener. that is what a friend would do.

my core is the same.
i tried typing that out in a lot of ways but none of it made sense. i'm still the same. as much as i've tried to change- i still have the same core values. lately there are some values that i've been happy to see! some parts of my personality are super bad ass and they've come to the fore recently. that has made me feel good. some parts i think i need to accept. and stop trying to change. i need to stop trying to change them. because: i can only effect the beginning stages of said core value. i can't effect any change on the triggers or the end results of that value. here's a thought: maybe .... shit. i lost it. 10 minutes reading the last line over and over and i don't remember where i was going with it. i shouldn't have typed "here's a thought".
something about not being in control***.

****instead of rambling on i'll leave you dear internets with this final thought:
"i just kissed my track pad and i miss Malcolm sooo much."*****






*i feel like a kid here. but then i remember that kids are not burdened with stress and girl problems.
**this metaphor brought to you by The Victory '08 Campaign
***note to self: do not stop for introductory words. or any words. if you have a great idea that is unique to you and your situation- just fucking type it out.
****fuck. i just remembered that i didn't get a receipt for the gas or the +horrible+ KFC i got on the way here. i'll have to make sure and get the numbers from my bank account. first receipts that i haven't kept since The Great Realization
*****nope. i'm not drunk at all. seriously. not at all. like 3 beers in the last 3 hours. and i was at a keg party! i'm just that in love with this keyboard and Malcolm. judge not, lest ye be judged.